Stupid Me

I am SO not happy right now. I just found out that Mohamad's wife in Egypt is expecting, and I am heartbroken. I don't know what I was thinking. That it was a dream, that I was over it - over him, I don't even know. However, I am heartbroken all over again. I feel like this came out of nowhere.

I was at Hamza's, and the guy's had gone to prayers, so I was just hanging out, talking to Mohamad. We were just chatting casually. About work, about Hamza and the boys working for him, about life in general. I asked how his family was. The conversation was going well, it was actually a great conversation. We both had the time to just talk about stuff. Life. I felt safe and comfortable. I let my guard down. The conversation was in safe territory, so I asked how his wife was, 'cause he doesn't say anything about her. It was the first time I've asked about her, and we both knew it. He said she was doing well and was pregnant. It hit me like a fucking truck, stole the breath from my body. I could actually hear my heart beating, and the blood rushing in my ears. I damn near passed out.

Hamza got back and walked in, and looked at me and sat down. He saw that I was upset, and I told Mohamad I had to go 'cause I was busy. He knew I wasn't, and didn't want to stop talking about how he wanted blonde babies, and if I would take care of his kids. I said I didn't know, 'cause they weren't mine. I said I'd love his kids 'cause they were his, and then repeated that I had to go. He asked why, and if Hamza had returned, 'cause he knew I was at their place just chillin'. I said I had to go cry, 'cause I was about to. He asked why, because I'd just told him I was happy for him.

What the fuck? Was I really going to tell him that he'd just broken my heart all over again, and that I felt like passing out or puking or sobbing my eyes out? Asshole. Of course I told him I was happy for him. What the fuck else was I supposed to say?

I feel like a moron. Hamza's now worried that I'm still in love with Mohamad, and now I am a little too. I know I love him, but I thought I'd gotten past the 'in love' part and had safely arrived at 'love him like a friend/brother.' I guess not. Now I don't know how to feel. I'm all torn up inside all over again, and I just... I don't know what. I just don't know anything anymore. I should have just stayed with the general term of 'family' instead of venturing into tricky 'wife' territory.

I'm supposed to break fast with him tomorrow, but I might just go and say hi and see what's up after I get off work and then bail out and go to Hamza's. Or I might just cancell altogether and go to Hamza's. I just need to feel loved right now. I need to sleep next to someone. I'm tired of being alone, even though technically I'm not anymore. I'm seeing Hamza now, and eventually I might marry him. I just feel really alone here dripping tears to no one but this damn computer. Fuck. I am a moron.

Yes! I am officially the biggest loser ever! (the short version)

Yesterday sucked.

I got engaged, but then broken up with.

It was kind of tough trying not to cry all day or night.

I was exhausted. 4 nights with less than 10 hours sleep total = not good.

My dog was hit by a car and killed.

I got a flat tire.

I was bitched at by both parents.

I got mooned and had a beer bottle thrown at me while sobbing my eyes out in a deserted parking lot in the middle of the night where I was stuck because of said flat tire.

Yay.

Read the long one if you want to know more.