Hug? Anyone? Anyone?

So, Hamza and I are going to separate.

It's confusing and horrid. I've never really had to break up with someone I still loved before. We love each other, and we're both hoping that he can get his shit together and we can get back together... but I'm also trying to be ready for the possibility that we might not.

It's so weird. We haven't really fought about anything recently... it seems we're both tired of fighting. I'm tired of being pissed at him all the time for little petty shit. I'm tired of waiting for him to go to my Dad and ask for my hand. I'm tired of being hurt that I know none of the numerous family members he's got in the area. I'm tired of waiting for him to push through school and move on to grad school, and then get a job that pays enough so I can stay home and raise the family. I'm tired of just plain waiting for him to grow up. I'm tired of waiting. Period.

I think he finally sees that I'm going, and that I might not be back. I brought boxes home today... and packed them with stuff halfheartedly. But, I'm going, and I'm sure he and I are making the right decision. He needs time to think, and I need a break from him to see what I feel. I'm moving to Bellevue, and he's going to stay in this apartment. It's weird though. We both came home and gave each other a big hug - because we needed it. I'd swear we were both almost in tears. He's my best friend, my love, my heart... but he needs to get his shit together, and I'm tired of waiting for him to both grow up, and step up. It's quite a tangle. The odd part is that we both don't want to hurt each other in the process. We'd both like to get back together eventually at this point. It's also scary moving out and having to pay for everything without the help of dual paychecks. This whole thing is scary, and very crappy. But it must be done. I need a hug. :(