\So, I just got an apartment in Bellevue, less than a mile away from MS, and it is SUPER cute. I adore it. I still need a couch and some chairs though... but that can wait. Still settling in, but that will take a while. Last night was actually the first night I slept there, and my family came over and I hosted an impromptu party.
They got a bit drunk while we were playing cards, and then voted to go on a "road trip" to Fred Meyer, which is a whopping mile away so I could get some groceries. My sister pushed my dad around in a shopping cart in the parking lot, with him hollering at her to go faster. You should have seen him try and get out!! When he was inside, he pretended he had a limp, spoke with a lisp, and crashed the grocery cart into a cereal display. My mom drove around in an electric cart the whole time, grabbing stuff off the shelves like a kid, trying to get me to buy stuff - random stuff, like the stuff that turns your toilet water blue, Captain CrunchBerries, and a stinky candle. It was insanely embarassing and hilarous. Thank GOD we didn't see anyone I knew. It was great though. Ahh, family.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Hug? Anyone? Anyone?
So, Hamza and I are going to separate.
It's confusing and horrid. I've never really had to break up with someone I still loved before. We love each other, and we're both hoping that he can get his shit together and we can get back together... but I'm also trying to be ready for the possibility that we might not.
It's so weird. We haven't really fought about anything recently... it seems we're both tired of fighting. I'm tired of being pissed at him all the time for little petty shit. I'm tired of waiting for him to go to my Dad and ask for my hand. I'm tired of being hurt that I know none of the numerous family members he's got in the area. I'm tired of waiting for him to push through school and move on to grad school, and then get a job that pays enough so I can stay home and raise the family. I'm tired of just plain waiting for him to grow up. I'm tired of waiting. Period.
I think he finally sees that I'm going, and that I might not be back. I brought boxes home today... and packed them with stuff halfheartedly. But, I'm going, and I'm sure he and I are making the right decision. He needs time to think, and I need a break from him to see what I feel. I'm moving to Bellevue, and he's going to stay in this apartment. It's weird though. We both came home and gave each other a big hug - because we needed it. I'd swear we were both almost in tears. He's my best friend, my love, my heart... but he needs to get his shit together, and I'm tired of waiting for him to both grow up, and step up. It's quite a tangle. The odd part is that we both don't want to hurt each other in the process. We'd both like to get back together eventually at this point. It's also scary moving out and having to pay for everything without the help of dual paychecks. This whole thing is scary, and very crappy. But it must be done. I need a hug. :(
It's confusing and horrid. I've never really had to break up with someone I still loved before. We love each other, and we're both hoping that he can get his shit together and we can get back together... but I'm also trying to be ready for the possibility that we might not.
It's so weird. We haven't really fought about anything recently... it seems we're both tired of fighting. I'm tired of being pissed at him all the time for little petty shit. I'm tired of waiting for him to go to my Dad and ask for my hand. I'm tired of being hurt that I know none of the numerous family members he's got in the area. I'm tired of waiting for him to push through school and move on to grad school, and then get a job that pays enough so I can stay home and raise the family. I'm tired of just plain waiting for him to grow up. I'm tired of waiting. Period.
I think he finally sees that I'm going, and that I might not be back. I brought boxes home today... and packed them with stuff halfheartedly. But, I'm going, and I'm sure he and I are making the right decision. He needs time to think, and I need a break from him to see what I feel. I'm moving to Bellevue, and he's going to stay in this apartment. It's weird though. We both came home and gave each other a big hug - because we needed it. I'd swear we were both almost in tears. He's my best friend, my love, my heart... but he needs to get his shit together, and I'm tired of waiting for him to both grow up, and step up. It's quite a tangle. The odd part is that we both don't want to hurt each other in the process. We'd both like to get back together eventually at this point. It's also scary moving out and having to pay for everything without the help of dual paychecks. This whole thing is scary, and very crappy. But it must be done. I need a hug. :(
Thursday, March 27, 2008
When Opportunity Knocks...
I had a really great experience today - kind of opened my eyes up again. Those involved will know what it was, and no one else really needs to know the specifics. I feel like it brought a part of me back to life - a part that hasn’t seen the light of day in hmm... 17, 18 months? Too long, to say the least.
I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel like I can kick down the obstacles life seems to continually throw at me, and walk over the path created. It’s also good knowing I have support at my back, and that new friends are always just right around the corner.Opportunites arise, and yet you have to know which one to take advantage up. I recently took advantage of a professional opportunity that I’m optimistic about... I’ll know for sure on Monday. Either way, I’ll be happy, but it could be a really nice change for the good. Recognition of hard work and dues paid.
Today I had another opportunity of a personal nature that I didn’t take advantage of, and it turned out to be the right decision. After walking out of the situation, I was hot and bothered, first off. Very much so - I was exhilirated, excited, flattered, amazed...I was also confused and, well... nervous isn’t exactly the word I’m looking for, but it was a feeling close to being nervous. (Pensive and anxious? I don’t know...) I thought about my actions and decision the entire way home. I wasn’t able to concentrate on my book, or even the music. By the time I got home I was positive I had made a bad decision by choosing not to take advantage of this opportunity for some extra curricular activity.
I walked in the door, stipped clothes down to the essentials - panties and a tanktop - pissed at myself, and proceeded to clean the house. I clean when I’m thinking - if I can arrange physical things, I guess I can arrange my thoughts better as well. Besides, what can you do in a messy house? I mean, if your surroundings are cluttered, then your mind will be too, right? I had the music up loud, singing along and doing my best have-the-house-to-myself dance moves, trying to straighten out my racing thoughts...when Hamza got home. To say the least I took out my confusion on him in good time...and we did have an extremely good time. (insert evil knowing grin and a wink here) He told me exactly what I needed to hear, and coming from him it sounded RIGHT. Maybe not exciting and as exhilrating, but it felt like home, and I knew that I’d made the right decision after all.
I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel like I can kick down the obstacles life seems to continually throw at me, and walk over the path created. It’s also good knowing I have support at my back, and that new friends are always just right around the corner.Opportunites arise, and yet you have to know which one to take advantage up. I recently took advantage of a professional opportunity that I’m optimistic about... I’ll know for sure on Monday. Either way, I’ll be happy, but it could be a really nice change for the good. Recognition of hard work and dues paid.
Today I had another opportunity of a personal nature that I didn’t take advantage of, and it turned out to be the right decision. After walking out of the situation, I was hot and bothered, first off. Very much so - I was exhilirated, excited, flattered, amazed...I was also confused and, well... nervous isn’t exactly the word I’m looking for, but it was a feeling close to being nervous. (Pensive and anxious? I don’t know...) I thought about my actions and decision the entire way home. I wasn’t able to concentrate on my book, or even the music. By the time I got home I was positive I had made a bad decision by choosing not to take advantage of this opportunity for some extra curricular activity.
I walked in the door, stipped clothes down to the essentials - panties and a tanktop - pissed at myself, and proceeded to clean the house. I clean when I’m thinking - if I can arrange physical things, I guess I can arrange my thoughts better as well. Besides, what can you do in a messy house? I mean, if your surroundings are cluttered, then your mind will be too, right? I had the music up loud, singing along and doing my best have-the-house-to-myself dance moves, trying to straighten out my racing thoughts...when Hamza got home. To say the least I took out my confusion on him in good time...and we did have an extremely good time. (insert evil knowing grin and a wink here) He told me exactly what I needed to hear, and coming from him it sounded RIGHT. Maybe not exciting and as exhilrating, but it felt like home, and I knew that I’d made the right decision after all.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
What do you do...
What do you do when love is no longer enough? What happens between two people who have a lot of love for each other, but can't meet each other's needs? What about cultural differences and the extra mile you need to go to find common ground, even a common lanugage? What happens when you feel like you've given everything you've got to give, and you feel like the other person hasn't lifted a finger? How do you get over feeling like you're being taken advantage of? What happens when you're not sure if you'd prefer to keep kicking a dead horse rather than see if you want to brave finding another one in the wilds?
I don't know what to do. Its a decision I must make, but sometimes I wish there were some decisions that you could put to someone else to make. Just pass it up the chain of command... and if its the wrong decision, then at least you're not the one to blame. There are too many 'if's' in this situation, I feel like I can't make the decision alone, yet if anyone's going to do it, it will have to be me. AND I'll have to take care of all the goddamn paperwork and make all the decisions - as usual. FUCK. What if a week later he comes back and says he wants me back, and I've already gone through all the business side of things? What if I leave and go through the hassle and agony of defeat, and I'm not any happier, or even worse, feel like I made the wrong decision?
My relationship isn't on solid ground most of the time. Sometimes - I could handle. But most of the time - isn't it time to toss in the towel and say 'show's over, folks, time to move on?' Its hard to dissect what parts of my life would be better if I weren't in this relationship, and what parts would be worse.
I don't understand the mood swings. Our concepts of a TON of things are completely different, and most of the time we find ourselves fighting before I realize we just had different ideas, so were shooting for different things. He doesn't know what I expect, and I sure as hell don't understand what he expects. You can't just sit down and talk about every little aspect of life before it comes to you. You can't plan for everything, even though I'd like to try.
Right now, I just have to focus on what's best for me. Professionally I've got some big changes coming up - stressfull and quite long term, but for the best in the long run, I believe.
Don't have a license, so don't really need the car, although to find a job in the down time I'll want to use one. But now that my name's on the loan for the Jetta, I don't want that out of my sight for a minute when he's got a key.
Do I keep this apartment, or move home for a bit? Where the fuck am I gonna live? What about the Jetta? Where do I store all my stuff? Close to Mom's house, or closer to the apartment? What about all the paperwork? Legal issues for the break up, insurance, bank accounts, car insurance, lease, car payments and everything else we've got together. How do we split up things that we've purchased together? The printer? The car?
At least splitting up the apartment won't be that hard. 90% of the stuff in it was mine when we got married. He can keep a TV, his play station, clothes etc - even though I bought most of those for him.
What a fucking mess. Just thinking about all the issues I'll get to deal with while divorcing makes me not want to think about doing it... but that isn't a good excuse not to do it if I'm not happy, right?
I don't know what to do! If I could just make a decision, I could take action on it, and feel like I'm making progress. I'd stay if I could actually trust his word. He makes promises he doesn't keep, and each time it hurts, and it makes me angry. Is it so fucking hard to keep a promise? I guess the hard part is not promising in the first place, that way you don't actually have to do the deed...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
my nose is scrunched up in distaste
Hmm. I'm between pissed and bliss. Those words sound alike but couldn't be more different. I'm indecisive as to which fits best at the moment, as I have been feeling both lately.
I have been watching an old early 90's Cher movie called 'Moonstruck,' and thinking about one part of it a lot. It doesn't help that I've been watching it over and over again. Its the part where Nicholas Cage is trying to get Cher to dump his older brother (whom she is engaged to, but he's in Sicily on the deathbed of his mother 'cause he's a sissy momma's boy), and he describes love as... now I don't remember his exact words here... but the general idea is that he describes love as basically a car wreck that crashes into your life and makes a mess of things, yet the change is blissful and messy and horrid and wonderful all at the same time. Now, the only car wreck I've been in wasn't at all blissful or wonderful, but I did end up getting a car I liked WAY better than the one I crashed.
But I think he's right. For all the mess there is a wonderfulness to life when you're in love. You still have your own problems, but someone to help you deal with them. On the other hand, you get their problems too - but you also get their love. As you can see, I'm torn between the good and the bad. The good by far overpowers the bad, but then again... there's twice the amount of bad stuff.
Humph. I'm tired, medicated, torn between conflicting emotions and ponderous with thought. I'm frustrated and annoyed, yet enchanted and enthralled with love at the same time. If I were a cinematic piece at the moment, I would be one of those artsy, pointless, dull, but thought-provoking films. You're bored, but you can't stop watching for fear of missing something crucial that could make watching it worth your time.
What is this mysterious thing called love that is so messy and disasterous to your previous life, and yet is so awesome (as in awe-inspiring) and utterly delightful? It really is a car wreck that just crashes into your life and changes everything. While I'm feeling left-out, discarded and forgotten for the moment, I still know I'm cherished and loved beyond any shadow of doubt.
For all of you who are quizzical about my writing, and quite possibly frustrated at my lack of a point, sorry to disappoint. I'll try and be more efficient and actually have a thesis another time.
As for right now, I'm caught in the middle. That in itself is frustrating, confusing and horrid. Humph. I'm going to bed. Hopefully things will have decided themselves in the morning, and I can actually take action one way or the other. I hate wasting time on being indecisive. It's just not efficient.
I have been watching an old early 90's Cher movie called 'Moonstruck,' and thinking about one part of it a lot. It doesn't help that I've been watching it over and over again. Its the part where Nicholas Cage is trying to get Cher to dump his older brother (whom she is engaged to, but he's in Sicily on the deathbed of his mother 'cause he's a sissy momma's boy), and he describes love as... now I don't remember his exact words here... but the general idea is that he describes love as basically a car wreck that crashes into your life and makes a mess of things, yet the change is blissful and messy and horrid and wonderful all at the same time. Now, the only car wreck I've been in wasn't at all blissful or wonderful, but I did end up getting a car I liked WAY better than the one I crashed.
But I think he's right. For all the mess there is a wonderfulness to life when you're in love. You still have your own problems, but someone to help you deal with them. On the other hand, you get their problems too - but you also get their love. As you can see, I'm torn between the good and the bad. The good by far overpowers the bad, but then again... there's twice the amount of bad stuff.
Humph. I'm tired, medicated, torn between conflicting emotions and ponderous with thought. I'm frustrated and annoyed, yet enchanted and enthralled with love at the same time. If I were a cinematic piece at the moment, I would be one of those artsy, pointless, dull, but thought-provoking films. You're bored, but you can't stop watching for fear of missing something crucial that could make watching it worth your time.
What is this mysterious thing called love that is so messy and disasterous to your previous life, and yet is so awesome (as in awe-inspiring) and utterly delightful? It really is a car wreck that just crashes into your life and changes everything. While I'm feeling left-out, discarded and forgotten for the moment, I still know I'm cherished and loved beyond any shadow of doubt.
For all of you who are quizzical about my writing, and quite possibly frustrated at my lack of a point, sorry to disappoint. I'll try and be more efficient and actually have a thesis another time.
As for right now, I'm caught in the middle. That in itself is frustrating, confusing and horrid. Humph. I'm going to bed. Hopefully things will have decided themselves in the morning, and I can actually take action one way or the other. I hate wasting time on being indecisive. It's just not efficient.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Update
So, a lot has happened this month! I was just reading my last blog to remind myself where I left off... Last month, to the day, I was supposedly heartbroken over Mohamad. Now, I've told him to fuck off, and he's out of my life as much as possible. We had a big falling out, he owes me money I'll never see, and I'm done with him. Halas. (That means 'its finished' in Arabic) He used and abused my friendship and hard work, and I told him to fuck off. Go me!! I'm actually quite proud of myself.
Well, the biggest new thing is Hamza. We're very much enamored of each other. I won't say we're in love, 'cause we're not. I'll jinx it if I say we are. Its more of a long term, love-growth thing. It works for us. We're happy, and thats about where we stop caring. I'm living with him 'cause my parents all but kicked me out. Well, they didn't quite kick me out, but basically... thats kinda what happened. So, I'm living with him, Abed and Tareq, our room mates. All three are from Palestine, er... West Bank, as its legally referred to nowadays. Life is crazy and wonderful and insanely busy. Hence me not having 15 spare minutes to keep you all updated and informed.
Oh, there is so much more, I just don't have the time nor want to write it. If you want to know more, you'll call or email me. Just know that life is goregous for me.
P.S. Hamza's gonna meet the family tomorrow! My sister's boyfriend (who none of us has met either) will be there, so it should be interesting to say the least. Anyways, mabye I'll be able to post about that next. Hopefully there'll be no drama!!
Well, the biggest new thing is Hamza. We're very much enamored of each other. I won't say we're in love, 'cause we're not. I'll jinx it if I say we are. Its more of a long term, love-growth thing. It works for us. We're happy, and thats about where we stop caring. I'm living with him 'cause my parents all but kicked me out. Well, they didn't quite kick me out, but basically... thats kinda what happened. So, I'm living with him, Abed and Tareq, our room mates. All three are from Palestine, er... West Bank, as its legally referred to nowadays. Life is crazy and wonderful and insanely busy. Hence me not having 15 spare minutes to keep you all updated and informed.
Oh, there is so much more, I just don't have the time nor want to write it. If you want to know more, you'll call or email me. Just know that life is goregous for me.
P.S. Hamza's gonna meet the family tomorrow! My sister's boyfriend (who none of us has met either) will be there, so it should be interesting to say the least. Anyways, mabye I'll be able to post about that next. Hopefully there'll be no drama!!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Stupid Me
I am SO not happy right now. I just found out that Mohamad's wife in Egypt is expecting, and I am heartbroken. I don't know what I was thinking. That it was a dream, that I was over it - over him, I don't even know. However, I am heartbroken all over again. I feel like this came out of nowhere.
I was at Hamza's, and the guy's had gone to prayers, so I was just hanging out, talking to Mohamad. We were just chatting casually. About work, about Hamza and the boys working for him, about life in general. I asked how his family was. The conversation was going well, it was actually a great conversation. We both had the time to just talk about stuff. Life. I felt safe and comfortable. I let my guard down. The conversation was in safe territory, so I asked how his wife was, 'cause he doesn't say anything about her. It was the first time I've asked about her, and we both knew it. He said she was doing well and was pregnant. It hit me like a fucking truck, stole the breath from my body. I could actually hear my heart beating, and the blood rushing in my ears. I damn near passed out.
Hamza got back and walked in, and looked at me and sat down. He saw that I was upset, and I told Mohamad I had to go 'cause I was busy. He knew I wasn't, and didn't want to stop talking about how he wanted blonde babies, and if I would take care of his kids. I said I didn't know, 'cause they weren't mine. I said I'd love his kids 'cause they were his, and then repeated that I had to go. He asked why, and if Hamza had returned, 'cause he knew I was at their place just chillin'. I said I had to go cry, 'cause I was about to. He asked why, because I'd just told him I was happy for him.
What the fuck? Was I really going to tell him that he'd just broken my heart all over again, and that I felt like passing out or puking or sobbing my eyes out? Asshole. Of course I told him I was happy for him. What the fuck else was I supposed to say?
I feel like a moron. Hamza's now worried that I'm still in love with Mohamad, and now I am a little too. I know I love him, but I thought I'd gotten past the 'in love' part and had safely arrived at 'love him like a friend/brother.' I guess not. Now I don't know how to feel. I'm all torn up inside all over again, and I just... I don't know what. I just don't know anything anymore. I should have just stayed with the general term of 'family' instead of venturing into tricky 'wife' territory.
I'm supposed to break fast with him tomorrow, but I might just go and say hi and see what's up after I get off work and then bail out and go to Hamza's. Or I might just cancell altogether and go to Hamza's. I just need to feel loved right now. I need to sleep next to someone. I'm tired of being alone, even though technically I'm not anymore. I'm seeing Hamza now, and eventually I might marry him. I just feel really alone here dripping tears to no one but this damn computer. Fuck. I am a moron.
I was at Hamza's, and the guy's had gone to prayers, so I was just hanging out, talking to Mohamad. We were just chatting casually. About work, about Hamza and the boys working for him, about life in general. I asked how his family was. The conversation was going well, it was actually a great conversation. We both had the time to just talk about stuff. Life. I felt safe and comfortable. I let my guard down. The conversation was in safe territory, so I asked how his wife was, 'cause he doesn't say anything about her. It was the first time I've asked about her, and we both knew it. He said she was doing well and was pregnant. It hit me like a fucking truck, stole the breath from my body. I could actually hear my heart beating, and the blood rushing in my ears. I damn near passed out.
Hamza got back and walked in, and looked at me and sat down. He saw that I was upset, and I told Mohamad I had to go 'cause I was busy. He knew I wasn't, and didn't want to stop talking about how he wanted blonde babies, and if I would take care of his kids. I said I didn't know, 'cause they weren't mine. I said I'd love his kids 'cause they were his, and then repeated that I had to go. He asked why, and if Hamza had returned, 'cause he knew I was at their place just chillin'. I said I had to go cry, 'cause I was about to. He asked why, because I'd just told him I was happy for him.
What the fuck? Was I really going to tell him that he'd just broken my heart all over again, and that I felt like passing out or puking or sobbing my eyes out? Asshole. Of course I told him I was happy for him. What the fuck else was I supposed to say?
I feel like a moron. Hamza's now worried that I'm still in love with Mohamad, and now I am a little too. I know I love him, but I thought I'd gotten past the 'in love' part and had safely arrived at 'love him like a friend/brother.' I guess not. Now I don't know how to feel. I'm all torn up inside all over again, and I just... I don't know what. I just don't know anything anymore. I should have just stayed with the general term of 'family' instead of venturing into tricky 'wife' territory.
I'm supposed to break fast with him tomorrow, but I might just go and say hi and see what's up after I get off work and then bail out and go to Hamza's. Or I might just cancell altogether and go to Hamza's. I just need to feel loved right now. I need to sleep next to someone. I'm tired of being alone, even though technically I'm not anymore. I'm seeing Hamza now, and eventually I might marry him. I just feel really alone here dripping tears to no one but this damn computer. Fuck. I am a moron.
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