What do you do when love is no longer enough? What happens between two people who have a lot of love for each other, but can't meet each other's needs? What about cultural differences and the extra mile you need to go to find common ground, even a common lanugage? What happens when you feel like you've given everything you've got to give, and you feel like the other person hasn't lifted a finger? How do you get over feeling like you're being taken advantage of? What happens when you're not sure if you'd prefer to keep kicking a dead horse rather than see if you want to brave finding another one in the wilds?
I don't know what to do. Its a decision I must make, but sometimes I wish there were some decisions that you could put to someone else to make. Just pass it up the chain of command... and if its the wrong decision, then at least you're not the one to blame. There are too many 'if's' in this situation, I feel like I can't make the decision alone, yet if anyone's going to do it, it will have to be me. AND I'll have to take care of all the goddamn paperwork and make all the decisions - as usual. FUCK. What if a week later he comes back and says he wants me back, and I've already gone through all the business side of things? What if I leave and go through the hassle and agony of defeat, and I'm not any happier, or even worse, feel like I made the wrong decision?
My relationship isn't on solid ground most of the time. Sometimes - I could handle. But most of the time - isn't it time to toss in the towel and say 'show's over, folks, time to move on?' Its hard to dissect what parts of my life would be better if I weren't in this relationship, and what parts would be worse.
I don't understand the mood swings. Our concepts of a TON of things are completely different, and most of the time we find ourselves fighting before I realize we just had different ideas, so were shooting for different things. He doesn't know what I expect, and I sure as hell don't understand what he expects. You can't just sit down and talk about every little aspect of life before it comes to you. You can't plan for everything, even though I'd like to try.
Right now, I just have to focus on what's best for me. Professionally I've got some big changes coming up - stressfull and quite long term, but for the best in the long run, I believe.
Don't have a license, so don't really need the car, although to find a job in the down time I'll want to use one. But now that my name's on the loan for the Jetta, I don't want that out of my sight for a minute when he's got a key.
Do I keep this apartment, or move home for a bit? Where the fuck am I gonna live? What about the Jetta? Where do I store all my stuff? Close to Mom's house, or closer to the apartment? What about all the paperwork? Legal issues for the break up, insurance, bank accounts, car insurance, lease, car payments and everything else we've got together. How do we split up things that we've purchased together? The printer? The car?
At least splitting up the apartment won't be that hard. 90% of the stuff in it was mine when we got married. He can keep a TV, his play station, clothes etc - even though I bought most of those for him.
What a fucking mess. Just thinking about all the issues I'll get to deal with while divorcing makes me not want to think about doing it... but that isn't a good excuse not to do it if I'm not happy, right?
I don't know what to do! If I could just make a decision, I could take action on it, and feel like I'm making progress. I'd stay if I could actually trust his word. He makes promises he doesn't keep, and each time it hurts, and it makes me angry. Is it so fucking hard to keep a promise? I guess the hard part is not promising in the first place, that way you don't actually have to do the deed...
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