Confused.. rewritten

My life is tangled up right now... and its driving me crazy. I like to be in control of what's happening in my life, or at least have a plan, and I'm really trying to let things out of my control not get to me, but its as if they're so numerous, I'm kind of falling apart. No, I'm not losing my grip on life or anything, I just feel like there are too many things that I don't have a hold on, and I'm uncomfortable with it. Most of my life is in limbo right now, and I don't like it at all. It feels like an earthquake came through and shook everything up. It's quite unnerving.

Professional life, social life, love life and health- those are the big four that I'd like to have a better grip on. Professional life, I'm a recent graduate who's looking for a career. I'm stuck at home 'cause I can't afford to move out... which affects both the social and love life. I can be patient with the professional life, 'cause I know that eventually I'll find a job that I like that I actually want that will pay decently. I just have to keep my chin up, keep looking and trying hard, and eventually something will work out. I know this, and I can wait it out. Patience is a virtue. I can deal with this part.

The job hunt is going okay. Interviews have come and gone, and I have more lined up for next week. The unnerving aspect of this part of my life is that my parents, who are also my current employers, are looking to sell both the house and the business and move within the next year. So, I need to find a job somewhat quickly that I enjoy and find satisfying that can pay the rent. And then I need to find a place to live to top that all off. I'm stressed about this, but know that everything will work out eventually. Big changes are happening, and I just don't feel like I have anything solid to grasp onto for stability. I'm workin' on it though.

Social life is another entity entirely. Its has picked up quickly recently. Bumped into yet another awesome group of friends I can't wait to see and hang with more. That's cool with me. Its crazy though... so many names and faces and things in common to remember. Kind of hectic. More friends are moving back into the area after finishing school for the year. This summer should rock my socks off, and I'm looking forward to it immensely. I tend jump into things with both feet, just on the chance that I might land well and find it worthwhile... but with my luck, I usually break a leg. I hope I don't hurt anything this time around.

Part of my social life would be my sister. She's one of my best friends, and I adore the crap out of her. She just finished spring quarter at Western, and has come home for a week before leaving on a trip to Israel for an archeological dig. She's really nervous/excited/freaking out about it, and so are my parents. Yes, I'm excited for her to get to go, 'cause this is the best dig site in the world for her to be at, but I'm also scared shitless for her 'cause its in Israel, the heart of the middle east, with whom we are at war. Scary. I'm surrounded by this anxiety from my family, and its wearing on me. They're all tired and anxious and snappish. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, trying to appease and comfort everyone and not provoke anything. I'm having a hard time relaxing at the moment, even in my own house.

Love life is what's got me torn most of all. Everything's just happened so fast, I'm having a hard time coping with all of it. I mean, its delightful and fun and amazing, but I'm overwhelmed. I'm not a player, but I feel like I am right now, and I don't like it. My morals and ethics have been put to the test, and I don't like what's up... what I've let happen. Not that I've let anything get too far, I've just always believed in one guy, one girl, one at a time, and my current state of affairs in this area challenge those ideals.

In the past three weeks I've been on dates with like, 5 different guys. (I'm not bragging. I may be cocky, but I'm not a braggart. There's a difference.) I'm trying to express how confused and just plain overwhelmed I am with it all at the moment. A friend put it well when he said "play the field if its good for you." I've been trying to, but have a hard time balancing everything out. I mean, I don't date. I haven't ever had a dating scene like this, and I'm so confused about what's going on, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't keep up. This area of my life is completely out control, and I don't like it, and am freaking out a bit about it.

I don't really like 'the scene' anymore. I used to, but I'm not really diggin' it right now. Just too stressful for me at the moment. As far as a relationship goes, I'd rather just hang out with someone who I thought was cool, and chill and have sex, and that be the relationship. Yes, I know that's impossible, and that emotions and feelings get in the way of that, but right now, I wish I didn't have them, 'cause they're fuckin' up my life. I'm so stressed about things, and there's nothing I can do about it but tell myself to breathe.

One guy I'm totally smitten with. My heart pounds when I think of him, I get the shivers when I think of his kisses. I want to see him, but he and I work completely opposite schedules, even just hanging out has been hard to do. That, and I kind of freaked out at him a little. I got too serious and probably scared the crap out of him. Totally sent him mixed signals, and probably confused the crap out of him too. I just got wound up in the moment and my daydreams, and probably wrecked any chance I had with him. So, I'm a little upset about that.

Two other guys I met on the same night, even kissed both of them on that same night. Nothing serious, and probably won't be anything serious with either of them, but they're both on my mind. I'm conflicted about the two in one night thing. No, there was no sex involved or anything, but I'm trying to uphold some morals and ethics here. I don't like it.

Another I met just last night. He's cool. I'd like to hang out with him more, and am looking forward to it. Yet again I got some gentlemanly attention, and while it was delightful, I'm torn about it. I just don't like the whole 'seeing more than one person' thing. I'm very conflicted about it, and don't know what to do, who to choose, whatever. I feel like I'm cheating, but am not with anyone to cheat on. (I just want to be) I was talking to my mom earlier, and she said not to worry, 'cause I'm just 'dating,' and not 'going steady' with anyone. Sounds kind of lame, but its kind of true too. I just don't want to date... but skip right to the 'going steady' part I guess. Too bad life doesn't work that way.

I used to think it was a good quality I had of being open and honest, direct and assertive. Most peole wish they had more of these "qualities" that just come naturally to me. Right now, I'm thinking its more of a curse than anything, 'cause honestly, I'm that way about everything. If I like you, you'll know about it. If I want you, you'll know about it. If I'm mad, sad, angry, frustrated, insanely happy, and everything else inbetween, you'll know about that too. I don't hide much, even some stuff I probably should. I'm going to have to work on that, 'cause I know I can be pretty fucking intense sometimes. I'm frustrated with myself about that.

Health is another concern lately. For the past couple months I've been an avid gym attendee each evening after work. For lack of a social life, I'd just go and run myself to exhaustion and go home and sleep. Its worked well for me and my fitness goal. I've lost 30 lbs since March. Since the social scene has been so exciting lately, I haven't been going to the gym on a regular basis, I've been drinking coffee each morning 'cause I'm tired from the night before, and I've been smoking 'cause I'm nervous about things and jittery from the coffee. So, the caffiene in the coffee gives me the jitters, the smokes chill me out but make me edgy, and I feel like a zombie from lack of sleep. No good.

I've lost like 4 lbs. in the past week, which is cool, but I've lost them by doing the wrong things. Yesterday, I only ate a fruit cup and drank 3 beers washed down by half a pack of smokes. That isn't healthy man! I don't even smoke. I need to just chill the fuck out and get some sleep and get to the gym. I don't feel healthy, and I don't like it. It strains all my relationships, even the new ones, and that's not a good thing. I feel like I'm fuckin' stuff up, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

So, theres a little insight into what's going on in my life at the moment. My life is pretty much a madhouse right now. I'm not asking for anything but possibly a little understanding. Just know that my life is making some HUGE changes right now, and I'm stressed about it. Sorry if you got to feel the backlashes of some of it. I just don't handle things well when I don't have anything stable to hold on to.